Pieces
by xLadyJackal
Summary: Who do you think is in there?


Pieces

_Who do you think is in there?_

_Disclaimer: no._

_Takes place after Jaynestown._

River Tam couldn't tell who she was. She remembered being River Tam in a previous life, but those events seemed more like occurrences from a half-forgotten novel than something she'd done. She remembered the Academy through a haze, but – no, she couldn't remember that. Couldn't think of that. Out of mind.

In some corner of her brain, River knew that she was dangerous, but not as dangerous as Them. Never like Them. She truly wanted to be River Tam again, wanted to meet herself. Who was she? She knew the River, the Girl, who lived on this spaceship.

_Serenity_. She loved the spaceship with many names – _Serenity_, the ship, the boat, the bird, the Firefly. From the first moment, she – because _Serenity_ was definitely a she – was an unfamiliar but friendly presence, as tangible as Kaylee-Mechanic or even Simon-Brother.

_Serenity_'s personality was much like this New River's – put together from what was given to her. Like Kaylee's flower paintings in the kitchen or Wash's dinosaurs on the bridge gave _Serenity_ a different attitude in each of the rooms, River felt different in each piece of clothing that the crew had provided for her.

River drew strength from Zoe's combat boots. An old pink dress of Kaylee's was imbued with sunlight and joy. Jayne didn't mention his mother's knitting on the Crazy Girl's body, but he did notice that she was suddenly wearing Inara's long white vest and a bright pink sweater of Kaylee's. Under the scent of Inara's incense and Kaylee's engine grease, River smelled something more like home.

That's what _Serenity_ was to her now, a home. The crew was her extended family and as her family, River was sometimes uncomfortable having to know them. However, the voices and feelings weren't something she could change. River knew. She'd tried. Trying to block the voices out had failed miserably, so now she let them wash over her.

Wash. Wash and Zoe. Wash was prone to trusting everyone a little too much. Except for Jayne. Zoe, on the other hand, trusted only the crew. Zoe trusted Mal implicitly, but not always his judgment. Zoe considered Kaylee a little sister, someone she had to defend, and believed Inara to be a friend. Zoe didn't know what to make of River. River came to her once when she was contemplating it. _She's not a danger_, Zoe decided. River disagreed silently. _She's so young. The doctor can't take care of her on his own. _River heard her toss titles around in her mind. Aunt, sister. She finally landed on mother. Zoe drew away from that word. Reluctantly, she settled on a variation, looking River over as she sat drawing quietly at the table. River smiled at Zoe, accepting her as godmother.

River sometimes couldn't stand being near Zoe and Wash. Their love and passion was overwhelming. More often than not, River found it painful to experience. At times like that, River retreated to another crew member.

Not Simon, he would give her medicine that would make her sleep. It was always worse when she was asleep. River couldn't explain to Simon how the infirmary reminded her of There and what They did to her. Her words never came out of her mouth the way they were in her mind. The sterile smell mixed with the scent of blood bought back memories of the older experiments. They taught her their nursery rhyme about the men who observed their work. River progressed more quickly than the others had, and soon she wasn't allowed to see them anymore. She still remembered the nursery rhyme, though. _Two-by-two, hands of blue._

Not Jayne, he always had violent thoughts, or worse, lustful ones. Never the Shepherd. Never the Hair of Doom. River reasoned that the Hair of Doom was the cause that the Shepherd's thoughts and secrets hurt her mind. She avoided him. The Captain tended to move away whenever she came near, removing him as an option. That left Kaylee, who thought about Simon-Brother in ways that River didn't want to hear, and the Companion.

Inara never thought about previous clients when she was home on _Serenity._ Unfortunately, River couldn't say the same for Inara's bed. It was easier for River to block out the bed's thoughts. It was inanimate. Inara was calm and composed. River enjoyed feeling her pocket of tranquility within the chaos of the rest of the crew. Inara was well-trained in composure, but her education disappeared in Mal's presence. Their frustration irritated River.

River's last option was isolation. She didn't mind it, but it sometimes brought up things she didn't want to think of. Normally, though, it was a time for River to find herself again. In contemplating the serenity of the stars, memories from her childhood came back. Certain scents the crew brought back from different worlds sparked remembrances, mostly of Simon. The memories couldn't define River, though. She had so many new ones to add. River Tam couldn't tell who she was.

_Posted on a dare. New to the fandom. My cousin and I watched Shindig, Safe, and half of Our Mrs. Reynolds when I evacuated to his house for the hurricane. After I got home, I watched them all online and immediately bought the DVD set and the movie. I don't really know if anyone's done this exact fic before or anything, so I'm sorry if I copied your fic. Feedback please?_


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